不再自由了

以前，总是疯疯癫癫的我，终于，来到了这种挣扎到不行的地步。

最近很多人问我，“你到底怎么了？”，或是亲人疼惜地骂我，“你到了这个时候，为什么还不振作起来！你已经够成熟了！你知道你的生活很颠倒吗？想要自由也不是让自己这样的！”

其实，很感谢她的督促，很感谢她骂着来关怀。可是，在我心里面所面对的，所受到的，就是无法去发泄！每当想起我总是一个人时，我就会很无奈，很伤心。感觉上很多我的亲友们都不在我身边，不然，就是在我身边，是心却不了解我。

最近所承受的压力，可说是到了顶点! 开始很多时候，都会想念爸爸~ 想念以前时常等爸爸放工，帮他扛东西。就算个子很小，也会 kepoh 的去帮忙爸爸。可是，现在的我，感觉很想很孤单。没有一个可以令我很轻松的说完我心里感受的亲人。就算是心爱的人，也无法完全的诉说。心想大家会怎样看你啊~

对！我就是那么脆弱！

我的心灵建设，从以前就很强！不知道了何时，被某人某事打破了！从那开始，我的灵魂就像少了宝贵的心灵鼓励。

最近很多时候，都想歪了，心想不如就自我了断吧~ 可是，我就是不行，我知道前方等着我去迎接，有人等着我的帮忙与照顾！所以，就算肉体没事，现在也只是剩下个外壳，没有心灵的存在。

这是忧郁症吗？

感觉对不起很多人似的。尤其是担心我的人，他们看到我，又不知道发生了什么事，知道的，又不知道要怎样帮我，帮我的，又辛苦！感觉我还未醒来！

真的对不起，尤其是那些老师，还有和我同组的。真的很惭愧！

每天，没事做时，就想哭。哭的时候，又感觉孤单。似乎每一天，我就是这样无奈，秃废!

最想念的那个人，一个又肯定见不到。另外一个，想见又见不到！每天都只能活在没有灵魂的躯体之下，真的很痛苦。

其实，我最想就是做个平平凡凡的女孩子，拥有一个健康快乐的小康之家，和疼爱我的家人朋友们还有我最心爱的人在一起，就够了。难道，天从人愿，就那么难吗？

简单，就是我想要的生活。

最近，看了一套日本戏，叫 HACHIKO ， 真的很感动，也很好看！ 突然，有点同病相怜的感觉。看不开，就是看不开；执着，就是执着。

I..really don't know what to put for my title, but one thing I know now, is...I can't cover any of the sadness in my heart.

My family...they should know..I;m feeling extreme sad now. Even you wana ground me, I'll just accept whatever it comes. But...NOT NOW!

I just want a happy ending with him before he leaves. Why am I not able to do that? I'm going to 21!!! That seems like meaningless to me. I'm feeling useless, helpless and speechless.

I just wana do something that I like. I can even just skip my 21st Birthday celebration. But plz...don't make me feel this way..it's so meaningless to me!

Sometimes, I wish I could fly...fly away to a place where I can find my happiness..escape from this situation which has tighten me for years...! I'm fear, lack of courage. But, this time, I WON'T GIVE IN!!!

Today..I just can't stop my tears from droping down. I just can't keep the sadness from affecting my mind. Thinking of what my family has told, that makes me not willing to let him go away from me today. I'm happy for his achievement, but I know, after he came back, we'll hardly meet each other then. I'm just feeling sad once I think abt this and I just wana cry.....cry so badly...........

Hard Rock

Well~ hard rock hotel is a good place for training though. I really like it and I felt good when the 1st day I join HRH.

Hmm..Already stay in Penang for about one and a half months. Everything from smooth going to upside-down and from there going smooth again. As for me, I'm learning to be independent and trying to solve it all. Although things will not go according to what my heart's thinking, but still, I believe what my fren told me. As Buddha said, "the more problems we met in life, solve it with our courages and wisdoms, the better we are; the higher we can achieve."

Well~ I'm learning about it now. Not that I dunno, but sometimes it's hard to take action or to do the right things or make decision in our lives.

I'm not that happy now, but...I dun feel sad either. However, one thing I really gotta change is my EQ! Damn low! haha! XP

But anyway, at least I realize it and trying my best to change now. Hmm..I really miss my frens from H10, my Maluri frens also. Especially those who're always by my side and encourage me one. Like, LiChing, YeeWon, PuiSan, Jeccy and MengYoei.

Well...the most important one is still my family. My mommy and sister, Kar Kar. Really LOVE THEM so much! Coz' no matter how, when, what, when the moment i'm with you, I feel good and comfortable. Both of u are my source of strength and energy to fight for the future.

Lastly, my cousin, Erica and Uncle Ken, I really wanna say million thanks to both of u, otherwise I wouldn't know or couldn't even predict how my life would be now. I'm here praying for both of u. I LOVE U. Minli and MinSan also, my good-listener and always accompany me whenever I have problems. Brian, the one who always fight with me or kacau me one, but always help each other whenever we've problems. :)

Dunno y le..suddenly feel so alone after I came to Penang. Feel like am All Alone! Hoping that they would call and ask abt me. But.....I think am the one who always make calls one. >.< Nvm...it's time to learn independent! :)

Intern in Penang

Haha. Feel so happy that I got to go for my industrial training with friends. It's really fun. That's way better than the first training during my diploma. :)

Anyway, I MISS U, MY PIGGY PRINCE. I HOPE U'RE HERE WITH ME NOW. But anyway, that's ok. :) it's time to be independent. I'll listen to u and be happy. I'll come back with pride. *.*
Hehe...

Well, I reached Penang on Saturday together with Chee Kong (the hard-working driver..Xin Ku Ni le...), and Yeet Mei, my current roommate (the sha da jie~).

After that, we met up with yew leong and his fren, wei wei. haha. then, we straight went to the condo to meet the agent. Well, we was late for an hour due to the thaipussam plus, we went to tesco and that caused us late. XP haha.

Hmm..I was pretty happy that they like the place so much as that proved that my effort is not a waste. :) Hehe.

Raymond and Fann arrived on Sunday and then we went to the beach and have fun! haha. Well..it's really really fun!! :) Took some pictures while playing on the beach also. Very enjoy and fun. :D Gonna post it here.

However, when the moment we walked in the beach at Golden Sand Hotel, so many ppl came towards us and sell their "product"(the sea games). Haha. They providing horse-riding too. LOVE IT! :D hehe. Gonna try it out. But..I need to wait for someone important to come 1st. ;)

Anyway, I wish you\re here reading my blog, my honey darling. Gonna post a picture here and hope you can feel my love towards u. Coz I really miss u oo... ;D

Hmm..I hope my frens are reading this also and check out how fine I am now and I really appreciate the frens whom staying together now. ^^

At the Beach~ Nice Shoot by Yeet Mei. :)

David, Ashton, Yeet Mei and I.

*Peace*

On the way to breakfast and the food is really nice and cheap here le. Thanks to Wei Ge Ge. ;)

Haha..Our messy Room. XP

*Dedicated to my Piggy Prince* :)

Guess what am i doing. :D

*DENG DENG DENG DENG!!!*
*I LOVE U, WEN HAO* :) Muarks!

The Beach Boy fm India. ;)
(Kept promoting package to us le~~ haha)

(Enjoy life at Penang Home)

*The End*

MY LIFE * MY WAY???

Hmm...nope! it's not gonna be that way. I mean..my life....

I am looking down at myself now. I really dunno what happened. Maybe, I know..but...duno how to get back the lost me.

Anyway, today was an awful day to me. I know that am gonna fail that subject as I have insufficient time to complete the whole paper, plus, I only did half of the marks. If I passed, I'm gonna be superb as it means that all the answers are correct. I think I'm gonna be so lucky though.

One thing, if I failed, nvm. At least I've prepared for it since after the exam. I know how bad I did. But, the big deal was....I couldn't wake up in the morning and my bf has been calling me the whole one and a half hour just to wake me up because, imagine how awful when my phone was shutted down and that, my alarms were not ring yet I couldn't received his calls within that period!!! SHIT!!! Fortunately, he was smart that he called my cousin and asked her to wake me up. I must really really thank my lovely one, the "angel"; luckily he called, really! Otherwise, am gonna skipped the exam and repeat the subject again.

However, although I feel thankful to him, but...I am really really guilty that he couldn't be well-focused on his revision. Haihz.....I am really really SORRY!!! He told me that he did it badly then. Haihz........So sad that this kind of things happened on the day of my examination. How awful and stupid I AM!!! Haihz.....

After further advance diploma...my heart never feel better because it really gets me down. I am lost and sad because of the negative forces and environment. I really miss u guys, ALL MY DEAR FRIENDS....my H10...and all my best friends whom I know since my diploma.

Well...although this is a really awful day to me but at least, my sister adds a little sweets within my sad day. She encourages me alot alot and alot! Last time, I used to think that I shouldn't have tell my hardship to my sis as this is my own matter, but..although I seldom talk abt myself, but she can understand me. Yeah! I am stupid! But, at least, I'm the best in her heart. I was teary though. At least, she can see myself in the darkness. At least, I feel better and comfort when she encourages me. Just....maybe I am too depress now...

I do think about giving up...As...It's too hard for me, I think...I know I can do it, but...the supports and courages are now getting lost...where are all my friends....family......and the energetic soul of mine...............? How can I get it back all? Can I?

I just miss.....my own home. The very beginning of my life.....although a little bitter but it's sweet.

Papa.......Mama......Kaka......Me......................................

Miserable.........

Is it what I see is diff from others?

Is it what I think is diff form others?

Is it what I do is diff from others as well?

I'm so miserable, confused and starting to feel like....it's such an ironical for me....

what I have now, felt like it's not belong to me.

What I'm seeing now, is not what I need...

What's within my ability now, I do not knowledge about it..

What I am wishing now, is to unite my mind, soul and react over it. I seems lost. I do not know what's ahead for me. I do not know how to react and make use of all the abilities that I have. Bcoz' I can't even knowledge what my ability is.

谓：色就是空，空就是色 ； 万物皆是空。

Wish that I could stand tough and find back the lost me.